Now that we live in a society that doesn’t label sexuality, where people can be who they are, love who they want to love, without being judged for it, we’ve solved all problems. Well, almost. One final hurdle. The behavioural part of sexuality. How you act upon your sexuality. Because, unless you’re “enjoying yourself” in the privacy of your own home, acting upon your sexuality will involve others. So, who does your behaviour affect?
Most likely the person on the receiving end of your sexuality, the person(s) you’re attracted to. You might flirt awkwardly, you might smile in a semi-physicotic way or try to woo said person with your best dance moves. All are behaviours that are aimed at another and experienced by another, meaning that these behaviours have an effect not just on your life but someone else’s life as well. So, consent becomes important.
Consent
Consent is often explained by concrete steps, aimed at making sure all parties are happily participating. If these help, they help! But in my opinion, these models can feel complex and artificial. If you ask me, consent is actually way simpler and requires only one rule. You have to be certain that you and everybody else involved in the sexual behaviour, ranging from simple flirting up to and including penetration and the kinky stuff, wants to be involved and continues to want to be involved. No exceptions.
It’s about communication. Communication where you need to know what the other person wants and the other person needs to know what you want. Speak out about what you want, ask questions about what the other wants. But also see, feel, listen and sometimes pause to know if everybody is still enjoying the moment, understanding each other’s communication in its entirety.
What people often forget, even seemingly innocent behaviour already causes effects. The behaviour may not be meant as aggressive, but might appear as such. Or better said, experienced as such. And in most cases, it’s not nothing. Non-aggressive acts, that may not have any ill intent, can already have consequences, sometimes severe.
Boundaries need to be in place so that all can enjoy whatever they are doing, without being hindered. At the gym, at work, at home, but also on the street, in clubs and bars. People should be allowed to do what they are there to do, without someone thinking that they can interfere. Seemingly innocent behaviour, sometimes normalized through media, or culture in a broader sense, often involves sexual behaviour that does interfere. Sexual behaviour is wider as compared to mere penetration. Consent is therefore also required when trying to chat up your gym crush.
Where one person involves another in their behaviour they are crossing a line in the sense that their actions have consequences for others, positive and negative. This comes with responsibility. The responsibility is that the action of one person should not hinder the other person. This is very true for sexual behaviour. Do your dance, do your awkward flirting, smile as much as you can, try to find your soul mate (or fuck buddy), but don’t go too far. Or even better, understand what too far is before you go there. No means no and sometimes even not no also means no. Make sure you know not just what you want, but what the other person wants as well.
What’s important here is that communication goes both ways and every situation is different. It’s ok to flirt, but it’s also not ok to flirt. Clear as day, right? No, of course not. Hence it’s important to not just learn how to respectfully flirt with someone, but also to make clear how, or if you’re enjoying someone’s flirtations. It remains very true that not no, can still mean no, but these situations would be much clearer where not no simply means yes and no simply means no. Speaking out about your boundaries, either in bed or where you don’t want to entertain someone’s flirtation is important and can solve a lot of problems where no ill intent played any part.
Men vs. Women
Another aspect that is often spoken about in the context of consent is a difference between men and women. Where the man is more responsible for the woman, than the woman is for the man. Besides the fact that this leaves out a lot of people, it also stereotypes the parties involved in a precarious moment where the roles are not set in stone. And it also provokes distance from people who do not relate to this stereotype. Not even considering the relationships where only men or only women are involved or where these labels don’t apply at all. In the end, we’re all just people, insecure as shit, trying to make sense of the world.
That being said, unfortunately these stereotypes have become some what of self-fulfilling prophecy, making it harder to look past them. Society has placed much more restraints on women when it comes to sex than men, illustrated by women being branded a slut or whore for sleeping with “too many” men and men being branded a player for sleeping with plenty of women.
Scientific research has shown that there are biologically based differences in sexual arousal between men and women, primarily related to physical factors such as hormones. Although, these differences are nuanced (this one, for example). Men typically show a stronger and more frequent sex drive, which is linked to higher testosterone levels, whereas women’s sexual desires tend to fluctuate more and is linked to changes in estrogen and progesterone, especially across menstrual cycle phases. However, studies also show vast differences amongst women (have a look at this one).
This is somewhat proven by relationships between twee men having, on average, more sex, as compared to relationships of men and women or women and women. As this article reads, it was the relationships of women and women who had the least sex on average.
So, we now have a bit of a chicken-and-egg conundrum. What was first, the societal pressure for men to sleep around and women to be reserved, having resulted in today’s status quo? Or is this stereotype the result of physical differences between men and women, where men are hornier as compared to women, making the stereotype a somewhat true perception of a horny and less-honry foundation? Probably both, but equally pointless.
Even if this difference can be measured on sex-based level, men versus women, the differences are nuanced at best. Rendering them as not very illustrative. Hence, what we see, as with many so-called clear differences between sexes and other demographic aspects, are the outrights. But what is most important, is that averages apply to no one, just everyone combined, but not to a single individual. Every person is unique and two people together make each single one different as compared to the person alone.
So, is it therefore important that there is scientific evidence of men being somewhat hornier than women? No. What I in fact believe to be more true, especially when it comes to the act of having sex, both men and women are both, and in equal measures, insecure as fuck. We are all different, but we often feel, at least to some degree, pressure to flirt, sleep, reject or commit, or vice versa. Not just based on what we want, but what we believe is the right way to act. Meaning, that someone might only feel they have to commit to sex, because they will be judged for not doing it, or vice versa. It’s often only where people can break with the status quo, ignoring the gender-roles, where they find out what they want in bed or with respect to other forms of intimacy. When we learn what we truly like and don’t like, and learn how to express it, pleasure truly begins.
Advancer vs. Advancee(s)
Hence a better rule of thumb is that the person taking initiative must take responsibility for making sure the other person(s) enjoy(s) this initiative. The advancer versus the advancee(s), regardless of what is between whose legs. This can mean that you need to be making sure your flirtations are not found annoying or intrusive. It can also mean that the one who is dominant in bed, and wants to try something new, must know if the other person is having just as much fun.
What is important in this context is that the consent that is required varies based on the situation. Simple examples are that when someone is trying to have a workout, you’re probably interfering when you’re trying to chat this person up. If you meet the same person in a bar or a club, the advances might be ok. But when you meet this person on the street, the situation is different again. And when you meet this person alone, it’s different than in a group, or when you’re in a group, as opposed to being alone.
Boundaries and what is and isn’t acceptable are key. Where boundaries of sexual behaviour are unclear, communication is key. Communication, or better perhaps, education about communication will contribute tremendously to getting rid of misunderstandings of what is and isn’t appropriate, what is and isn’t within consent, to make sure that sexual behaviour is enjoyed by all parties involved.
However, this will only solve those problems of sexual behaviour where perceived misconduct is not misconduct, but more the product of miscommunication. It’s not intentional, but accidental. Not aimed at hurting the other, nor taking the hurt for granted, but simply not knowing that what was done was hurtful. A misunderstanding that sexual desires of the people involved aligned, where they didn’t. Pretty much misunderstandings about what is and isn’t appreciated and/or appropriate. This can be taught.
(But unfortunately not to everyone, see Sexual Behaviour – Dark version)
Sexual education
This can be taught through proper sexual education, preferably at the age where people, teenagers mostly, are starting to become sexually active. So that they learn how to avoid misunderstandings. Where they learn how to respectfully flirt and respectfully, but clearly reject these flirts as well. And where they also learn how to talk about sex, how to know what they want and don’t want and what the other wants and doesn’t want.
It can also be taught to those older, to those who have lacked schooling and still misunderstand what is and isn’t the norm. Especially since these norms may vary from country to country or even from city to city. Basically it can be thought to all in a society, changing the status quo, removing misunderstanding from the equation.
You can also teach yourself. By asking if what you’re doing is correct. Are you clear in your communication about your sexual behaviour, passive and active? Do you feel you can always tell your partner how you feel and what you like? And does your partner feel the same? Do you feel safe when going out and can you speak out when you don’t? Or do you perhaps make others feel unsafe? If you’re honest to yourself, can you say that you always treat others with respect? Ask yourself these questions. See what misunderstandings you may still have that can be resolved.
Where all are educated and understand what is and isn’t acceptable, might just fix a lot of problems that can easily be solved. A key aspect here is to get rid of the shame first. It has improved fastly, but we still have hurdles when it comes to talking about sexual behaviour. Let’s free ourselves of this shame and communicate. Sex is supposed to be magical, fun, and as exciting and thrilling as it can be. Let’s make sure it is.
The darker side of sexual behaviour
Continue reading about the dark side of sexual behaviour, because no one should ever cross the line.
